As 2022 was winding down, I found myself hurdling down a path of spending which I knew was unsustainable. In the past I would have tightened up my belt and simply set a plan within my budget to pay off the accumulated debt. The holiday season puts most of us into at least some debt which we inevitably end up facing in the dark, lifeless eye of mid-January, after all the Christmas Joy and New Years cheer have subsided.
I had not reached the new year yet, but I knew my excessive spending had been triggered by multiple causes and that if I didn’t get a handle on it, I could be facing disastrous results in the not-too-distant future. This time, the so-called “splurging” on what I wanted to buy felt different for me. Why was I becoming such a compulsive spender?
A few months ago, I turned “the big 5-0” and it was honestly the most difficult birthday I have ever experienced. I didn’t see it coming, either. It took me by complete surprise that I would fall into a pit of despair (inconceivable!) Hopelessness and cynicism took hold and began to grow strong roots. Admittedly, these feelings had been a slow burn for the past two years but now were escalating into a full-blown forest fire of despondency, towards myself and the world around me, those flames being fanned by my approaching birthday. I didn’t want a party, though my husband offered. I didn’t want a get-together with friends, though my husband offered. I did, however want to take a trip - a “trip of a lifetime”, and we were actually planning it. I started booking reservations and getting excited about it (finally SOMETHING to feel excited about), but the trip ended up being cancelled due to an $11,000 tax bit we were hit with, so the despondency grew.
I want to pause here and say that typically a pretty happy person. It’s taken years, actually decades of work, to come to a place in myself where I CHOOSE joy. And it WAS work to get here. I don’t succeed every day, but on most days, I am grateful for life and choosing to see what is beautiful, funny and uplifting.
I think it can go without saying that for many of us over the past three years, it has been challenging to see what is beautiful, funny and uplifting. I’ve certainly had my struggles since the Great Shut Down in the spring of 2020 – “14 days to flatten the curve”. It’s probably a good thing we didn’t know what the actual plan would be, but I digress…
I made it thru those difficult couple of years while holding on to a modicum of joy, not unscathed though. I think most of us felt the shift in our world view, shift in the gaping chasm of political and ideological views, a feeling of hurdling towards some great change with blinders on, unable to see over the not-too distant horizon. A loss of the life we knew, and even some friendships couldn’t sustain ideological differences. At the very least a strain to intimate relationships which may never return to the affectionate warmth they once held. Those scars will take time to heal.
Despite all of that, all of the loss and change, all of the constant barrage of negative news stories, all of fatigue at the daily fear-porn spewed upon us by the media, I was feeling a different sadness and utter loss of joy as I approached my birthday.
Maybe it was the contemplation of my mortality - most likely I have more years behind me than in front of me. Maybe it was the feeling that I never thought I’d live in a world like this when I was fifty. Maybe (definitely) I thought I’d be in a different financial position at this age.
Perhaps it was also partly due to the six years I have been shunned by my family after choosing to leave their religion. My parents are elderly and don’t have many years ahead of them. I’m the “baby” in the family, and now their baby has officially turned middle aged. I couldn’t help but spend a little time processing those feelings. Wondering what they were thinking about their baby turning fifty. Wondering if they had even a smidgen of desire to reach out to me. Wondering if they even remembered it was my birthday. Wondering why I don’t matter to them. Wondering if they still loved me.
Let me just say here that I’ve spent a great deal of time working thru the trauma of being shunned and releasing any pain or resentment I was holding against them. I can truly say I am free from wishing it were any other way. I know I have my journey in this lifetime and so do they. I believe we all came here with a soul contract and they are fulfilling theirs perfectly! And so am I. I love them and am grateful beyond measure that thru the course of events which have taken place, it has allowed me to grow into the person I am meant to be. I realize that I don’t even need to forgive them, because if they are fulfilling their soul contract then there is nothing to forgive. Everything is in Divine Order. Aho!
But sometimes…. Yep, I’m human so sometimes I allow myself to wallow in low vibration self-pitying victimhood. It feels good to the ego to feel separation and that I am all alone in this world, no one cares about me, poor me, poor me. Ugh! That’s not pretty to admit, but thru my internal work with the help of Dr. Joe Dispenza (see “Breaking the Habit of Being Yourself”), I have had to admit all the ugly, shadow thoughts and beliefs I harbor within me. He teaches you to become aware of your unconscious thoughts which are causing you to experience habitual emotions… which leads to habitual thoughts… which leads to habitual emotions…. See a pattern here?
It isn’t easy to break the habit of being yourself because first you must admit who you have been. Then you will have to become so aware of the thoughts you have on a minute-by-minute basis so that no unwanted thought can cross your mind without your awareness of it. And we have something like 60,000 thoughts per day, 95% which are unconscious! I have not perfected the awareness of my 60,000 thoughts, but I do catch myself in feeling negative emotions and then can pinpoint the thoughts I am having to create those emotions. What I choose to do after that is up to me. I’m working on choosing joy.
The aforementioned things (and probably more I haven’t become aware of yet) lead to unconscious thoughts of unworthiness, loss, victimhood which led to searching for ways to soothe and avoid the uneasy feelings I was having.
Along came YouTube.
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