In the immortal words of Bon Jovi from their song Welcome to Wherever You Are, "every new beginning is some beginning's end". These words struck me the first time I heard that song and I silently nodded, “Yes, Mr. Bon Jovi, you've done it again. You've encapsulated my thoughts in another catchy tune“ that would become the anthem of my life for another sum-sum-sum-sum-summertime (don't worry if you don't catch that reference if you're not a BJ fan 😂). Lately my life seems like it's full of endings and even good endings can cause one to feel bittersweet tiny stabs of nostalgia.
One ending was the difficult decision to leave my job of nearly 6 years. I had started as a logistics coordinator at an apparel design company. I graduated at the height of the Great Recession with my bachelor's degree in Fashion Design in an area of the country where jobs in that field were few. More than once I bemoaned my decision to pursue this degree. Why didn't I just go into graphic design or even interior design? The sensible thing would have been to just get a business degree. Who did I think I was pursuing my childhood dreams of being a fashion designer? Lured by the flash and fabulosity of up and coming designers on Project Runway, I decided to take the advice of Tim Gunn and "Make it Work!" I enrolled in classes, determined to prove to myself that I had the talent and drive to become a fashion designer, even if I was 15+ years older than most of my classmates.
Upon graduating, It became clear that few jobs in my chosen field were available. Unless I was willing to drive 1 1/2 hours away every day to Miami where a few fashion design jobs remained, I felt pretty screwed. As anyone starting out their career will understand, most of those companies wanted experienced designers, not a new graduate such as myself. When I was hired into an apparel design company 3 years later, even though it was as a logistics coordinator, I felt intense gratitude knowing that I would eventually transition over to the design team. I had to pay my "dues".
I believed in myself and knew that I was putting in the hard work to accomplish my goals. I pushed myself to the limit in college, with many sleepless nights and stress-filled days working to get assignments finished, driving an hour each way to the campus all which lead to health issues, mental strain, strain on my marriage, not to mention enormous student loan debt. I graduated Summa Cum Laude and felt that it couldn't have been for nothing that I worked so hard for those four years. I had a goal and was determined to “make it work.”
It took longer to transition to the design side of the business than I expected - over two years. During that time I gained skills and knowledge on both sides of the company - learning many areas of the business end such has dealing with shipments from overseas, coordinating pick and pack shipments with U.S. based warehouses, learning about custom's issues, commercial invoices, a variety of supply chain management software programs, and invoicing customers to name just some of my duties. When I had free time between projects, I began working with the design team where my knowledge base began to grow on that side as well. I was grateful for the opportunity and knew I would prove myself to them and that eventually I would work my way over to design full time.
Like I said, it took a couple of years to make that move and finally I was a full time designer. Fast forward to 2019 (I'm skipping over some things here for more brevity) where I now had been working for a couple of years at a senior design level. I was traveling regularly to meet with private label customers and managing seven different product lines where I was responsible for every aspect of the design process - from beginning inspiration to finished shipping sample. Despite the gratitude for the opportunities I had been given, I knew it was time to go. I had grown as far as I could grow at this company and although I loved my coworkers and my clients, I knew it was time to take a leap of faith and enter into the "unknown".
Another ending that has taken place recently was the closing of the theater I called my home for improv. Anthony Francis, improv teacher extraordinaire as well as one of the best comedic improvisors I have ever had the pleasure to watch perform, had opened this humble theater in historic downtown Delray Beach two years prior. Some five years ago, he started Improvu and was teaching drop-in classes outdoors at an ampitheater. Eventually he found donated or rented spaces such as the Arts Garage in Delray Beach. As his classes grew and spaces became harder to come by, he decided to look for a space where he could teach improv and "do the work", give students a stage to hone their craft, and a space to offer those students and improv teams a place to perform regularly. I feel such immense gratitude that for two years we had a place to take classes, get regular coaching for our teams, and perform several times a months.
This two year "experiment", as he and his wife Marisa came to refer to the theater, was over and many lessons were learned, along with sleepless nights, financial challenges, and lack of any normal life that comes with running a theater. They made the difficult decision to not renew the lease and close up the theater.
Fortunately another improv group was able to take over the lease and open the Dog House Theater, home to Sick Puppies Improv. We were all thrilled to know that improv would live on at our old home! They graciously invited our team, Business Casual, to perform on opening night. Coming into the theater was like visiting your old home. A home where you had grown up, had so many great memories filled with laughter and love. A home where you had bonded with friends over shared joy of creating ludicrous and silly characters in situations that can only happen on an improv stage. A home where you shared dark moments too like the night when a man died at the front of our building in a horrific car accident minutes before our show was to start. Now we were walking thru our old home, freshly painted and renovated, meeting the new tenets who would call this their home and make their own memories and bonding experiences while your own would fade away. Would anyone remember what we created here? The laughs we brought to audiences for two years? Improv is an impermanent performance art form which is rarely filmed. I felt the pang of my own impermanence as I sat watching these wonderful new tenants taking the stage.
I also feel an ending that is not entirely describable. An ending to the person I was before, or at least part of the person that no longer serves my highest good. A part of me that I hold onto but know I will have to let go of if I ever want to transcend to having an extraordinary life, rather than a mundane life. The part of me that is full of fear, likes to complain, that plays small in her life, that feels "good" to be a victim. I've become habituated to her and she knows how to predict her future based on the past. She doesn't want to take too many risks and feels comfortable living with lower vibration thinking because she believes this makes her more likable and relatable to others. I'm sure I'll talk about her in future posts, but suffice it to say for now, letting go of who we think we are is saying goodbye to a part of us that we fight to keep. I've heard it said that if we fight for our limitations, we get to keep them. I'm not fighting for my limitations any more.
Now I'm standing here, feeling like I'm on the edge looking out and not quite sure what comes next. I've begun some new projects and others are in their infancy still gestating in my mind. I've begun dreaming again of what freedom feels like to me, what joy looks like, what places are calling to me to come explore, and what adventures lie ahead. I'm dreaming about what's next with improv - how I can take it to the next level and bring laughter to new audiences and share this gift with people who wouldn't otherwise get a chance to experience the fun of an improv class.
I definitely don't have it figured out, but I feel a certain excitement at the thought of all these new beginnings and where they will lead. New beginnings that have their paths, twists, and turns which will lead me to other doors. Doors I can choose to open or not. Doors that will lead me to new people, places, experiences, and opportunities. Doors that will lead to new beginnings and bring closure to other endings.
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